2011-04-10: Broken Inside



Summary: Jeremy keeps a short journal of time in rehab.

Date: April 3 - April 10, 2011

Log Title: Broken Inside

Rating: R


SHEILD operated rehab facility.

April 3, 2011 – I know it doesn’t sound like much but I’ve been clean for three days now. Well today marks day three. Going through withdrawal is one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone thorough. It’s the second time I’ve had to do it and I think it’s worse then the last time, but then last time it was just heroin, this time it’s both kick and heroin. I overdosed badly on Thursday night. I almost killed myself, which wasn’t my goal. I figured using both would make everything go away, the memories in my head, my feelings, just make everything go away. I would feel good for a bit and I know it doesn’t last but those few moments when I was high were the only times I didn’t feel miserable. Even with saying that I still want more. I’ve been in the medbay for the last few days and all I wanted was a puff of kick or a hit of heroin. I hate myself for it but I don’t remember that I hate myself when high.

Today I go to my first day of rehab and I’m terrified. I’m heading to some place in Massachusetts I’m told. Some place that SHIELD has set up for those when they need help. I just hope they’re right. They explained that they took into consideration my powers and decided to send me to this small place where I’d be getting the help I need.

April 4, 2011 – I was surprised that the rehab center, if you can even call it that, was just a small farm house with not much around but grass, farm animals and trees. I guess this place tends to cater to SHIELD agents when they need rehab, to get away or just therapy. I have my own room while I’m here and they give me medicine to help with the withdrawal symptoms but it’s not easy. I’m under constant watch here and there’s only one other person here besides Dr. Cara and two nurses I guess you could call them.

I have to go to daily therapy sessions, but they aren’t really you’re typical therapy sessions that you think of. It’s not an office and couch that I lie on and talk about my feelings and crap. My first session was just in the living room here and the doctor brought out tea and snacks and just wanted to talk. I didn’t say much though; I don’t like talking to strangers. Dr. Cara seems nice enough but she makes me uneasy.

April 6, 2011 – I’ve been here for a few days now and the withdraw symptoms are finally subsiding. I don’t talk much during therapy; I don’t really know what to say the doctor. She’s paid to listen to me so it’s not like telling her anything will really do much. She asks a lot of questions about my childhood which I really don’t want to talk about it. She asks all these questions that just make me want to run to the door and hide in my room here or get high all over again, but I want to stay clean this time. It’s the first time I’ve really wanted something in a long time. At least it’s nice being away from the city for a while.

April 8, 2011 –I’m actually starting to like it here; it figures that once I start to like it I have to go home. When I’m not talking to the therapist or in my room I am allowed outside. I like the animals here, especially the horses; they’re just relaxing to be around. They don’t judge you or ask questions and I find it easy to just talk to them. Just get out my thoughts without really having to tell someone. I’m even starting to like Dr. Cara even though I ended up breaking down and crying. I finally started to talk about my family and how much I miss having one.

April 10, 2011 – I said good-bye to Dr. Cara, the nurses and the horses today, packed my stuff and now I’m heading back to Barnes Academy. She told me that I could come back up here sometime if I just needed to get away, if Barnes agrees I might just do that. She even gave me her number if I wanted to talk. The drug withdrawal is pretty much over, Dr. Cara told me I might feel some symptoms still but if so I can call her or talk to someone at the school. She even gave me some stuff to put on my arms so hopefully the track marks can fade quicker. I just have to stay strong and fight this. I really want to stay clean this time around.

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