2012-06-13: I'm Supposed To Choose

Players: Nicholas, Cale and Taylor

Taylor_icon.jpg Nicholas_icon.jpg Cale_icon.jpg

Summary: Cale and Taylor run into Nick in the quad. Both Cale and Nick are concerned about Taylor's vision problems amounting to something more serious; later, Taylor tells Cale more about their gender/identity issues…

Date: June 13, 2012

Log Title: I'm supposed to choose!

Rating: PG

Xavier Mansion - Quad

There is a square side walk of pavement with a nice grassy area in the middle with a few stone benches and trees along the corners. The pavement leads to the paths to the grounds of the school, the Dining Hall in Xavier's and the Ramsey Dormitories. It's not particularly large but it's a nice place for students and teachers to relax and enjoy the outdoors.

It's later in the night, the sky is dark and after a day of rain it looks like the clouds have parted to show the stars. Lying on a towel in the grass is Nicholas, he's spent the better part of the afternoon with Orion and is now just star gazing. He misses the sky from back home. He has one of his hands raised in the air as he floats a rock across the sky with his telekinesis.

Because it's later at night, Taylor is fully dressed and apparently quite energetic. The feline student is running through the quad on all fours, back and forth, probably harassing some kind of bug. That is until the student notices Nicholas. Taylor pauses for a moment nearby and says, ears still flicking and tail twitching from excitement, "Hey, Nick."

From out of the dorm (quietly) pads a figure; in the dim light it's hard to tell who it is, but as they get closer it's readily apparent that it's Cale… er, Kaylee? Currently, she is wearing a simple blue skirt and a pink t-shirt with some obscure anime logo on it. She pauses, hand against a nearby tree, when she sees the other two students, letting her eyes adjust to the darkness. "Err… hey," she greets the other two quietly. "I noticed you guys from inside," she juts a thumb back towards the dorms.

Nicholas waves the hand that isn't guiding the rock through the air. "Hey Taylor, how's it going?" Then when Cale approaches there's a second wave. "Hey there Cale." There's a pause before he corrects himself. "Lee." He lets the rock fall and props himself up on his shoulders and makes a face. "Oh man, my shirt got soaked, anyway how are you two doing tonight?"

"Hey, Nick. It's going pretty good. After napping all day like a horrible lazy human being, I finally feel refreshed and energetic. I just want to do stuff!" says Taylor, bearing their teeth in a grin, before looking up with a kind of twitch response. "Ah, Kaylee. Yeah, I was just outside, I saw something, and I came out to look at it. The fucking thing got away, I didn't get a good look." There's a pause and Taylor says to Nicholas, "If you wanted quiet or anything, I could mosey on, but I kind of want to talk to people and be around people before everyone is in bed."

"I'm alright… are you doin okay? I didn't… really mean to cause that huge scene yesterday," Kaylee sighs, corner of her mouth turning up slightly at Nick's fumbling of her name. She wanders a little bit closer until she finds a good spot near Nick to plop down on, sliding her feet beneath her and sitting on them. "I could always do with some conversation also."

"Huge scene?" Nicholas asks Kaylee with a confused look. "Oh..that. Just…I'll get used to it. It's just..don't worry about it." He doesn't want Cale to worry so he keeps it inside that he thinks it's strange as can be. "Nah, it's okay. I'm just hanging out here for a bit until I feel like heading inside to fail to fall asleep."

Taylor nods at Nicholas and says, "That's fair. Everyone goes to sleep so early, it seems. When I feel like just collapsing in a heap and slipping into a coma, everyone else is up and about, but when I'm out, everyone is in bed. Kind of isolating, which I don't really mind, but we aren't allowed in the rec room at night…" The feline then glances towards Kaylee and then shrugs, "I didn't think it was a scene or anything, though I think Dashenka was pretty confused…"

"It's totally okay if you think it's weird. You can say that," Kaylee states quietly to Nick, "Because I think I'm weird too," she laughs, a little. "I know it's not like, the normal average thing… I mean…" she trails off, "I just didn't know how to talk to anybody about it, is all," she shrugs a little, deciding sitting on her feet isn't that comfortable before she pushes them out to the side a little, propping herself up with her hands. This proves to be slightly better; she's still getting the hang of her new clothing, but has so far avoided any major embarassments. "Anyway! I guess you were probably off riding earlier, huh? You ever gonna deliver on those riding lessons?" she grins, changing the subject.

"I don't know about weird, just….I prefer not to think about it." Nicholas says making a bit of a face. "Cause the more I think about it, the more confused I am. I'm not going to hate you or stop being your friend but, it's going to be an adjustment." He says to Cale with a nod. "Really Taylor? Shane and I spend a bit of time at night in the rec room. I'm lucky if I get four or five hours of sleep a night."

"Oh. I got a memo, back when the rec room was destroyed, that we weren't allowed to be in there late at night. Maybe that's why I haven't… seen you guys there," says Taylor, seeming rather disappointed, "I usually just spend the night wandering around and figuring out what to do with myself and trying not to get distracted by small animals…" The teen looks towards Kaylee and then nods, "I guess lots of people are weird, so I wouldn't worry too much…"

"Well, I like to stay up late, anyway! Even before when I wasn't a mutant," Kaylee notes, "So I'm usually up fairly late. I mean. Yeah! You should bug me. Just send me a text or something," she smiles. "I kinda feel like you sometimes anyway. But maybe, I dunno," she waves a hand dismissively, "I don't think it's power related."

"I dunno about the memo but we haven't gotten in trouble, and I really wish I could sleep at night, or even during the day but I haven't had a good night's rest since I got her." Nicholas says with a shrug of his shoulder as if to say 'no big deal'. "Unless you count my time in the medbay. Best part about being stabbed, getting sleep." He says grinning.

"Oh man, yeah, same with getting shot. I slept like a baby for awhile there, day and night," says Taylor, nodding at that with a grin in return. The feline then looks towards Kaylee and then nods, "I'll keep it in mind if I'm ever wandering late at night, but I wouldn't want to wake you or anything…"

"Bleh! Don't worry about it. It's really not that big a deal. I mean sure I like my sleep but, I don't sleep that much anyway. I never have! Five or six hours and I'm fine," she momentarily stretches her arms out, yawning involuntarily… and goes flailing over onto her back in a heap. "I almost feel bad that /I/ didn't get shot or anything! Next time, it is my turn."

"Oh yeah, that's just what I need, another friend getting hurt." Nicholas says to Cale with a total lack of enthusiasm. "I'd love to be able to sleep but I've kind of giving up on that happening. Besides, Shane's introducing me to various anime cartoons so we've been watching those when we can't sleep."

"Oh. Yeah, she watches them with the subtitles, though, which… I mean, I used to, but it's harder now…" says Taylor, frowning for a few moments and then shrugging, and noting to Cale, "I'd rather you stay pretty intact… I'd really rather everyone stay pretty intact, really."

"Bluh! I wanna watch cartoons with you guys. Not fair," Kaylee sits up, curling her knees to her chest. "Subtitles are better anyway. They don't have to try and match the mouth movements so you get a much truer meaning of what's actually going on than with a dub. Also…" she trails off, "A lot of the English voice actors are just bad. BAD. Anyway."

Nicholas shurgs. "Doesn't matter to me either way, I'm find with whatever. They're cool to watch but I doubt I'll ever get as crazy about them as you and Shane." Nicholas says before looking over at Taylor. "Did you ever talk to anyone here about your eyes? I mean maybe they could make you some sort of glasses to help adjust, there's that Mr. Summer's guy who wears that red visor all the time."

"Nah, I've just been like… using a magnifying glass to read. If the letters are big enough, I can see them, but it's kind of weird… I can tell something is moving really easily, but I don't really see edges like I used to… It's hard to make out letters unless they're big," says Taylor, frowning slightly, "I haven't talked about it to anyone and… yeah, Kaylee, I know. I get the opinion of subs are better, but I can't read, so it's different for me…"

"Yeah, you probably should, I mean. I'm sure they can do /something,/" Kaylee nods, "I mean, this place has crazy technology. They could get you some kind of glasses with little screens in them that you could zoom in and out on even or something like that… actually, that sounds kinda cool…" she trails off, lost in thought about that for a moment. "Anyway. If it's for a friend, we could always watch the dubs. I mean they're not always that bad…" she babbles on again. "Seriously though. You should talk to someone about that! It sounds like a serious issue." Just like she should probably talk to a counselor. At some point. Yeah.

"Well even if you don't want glasses, Cale…Kaylee's right, you should tell someone. I mean what happens if it gets worse?" Nicholas says before lying back down in the grass. "There are plenty of people who need glasses to read, and I'm sure that the small text in those text books aren't easy for you to read."

"Oh, yeah. It's… it's really hard to read," admits Taylor, scratching the back of their neck, "It's slower because it's harder to recognize the letters, even with the magnification, which probably isn't helping me. I've been meaning to talk to someone awhile about that, and other things, but… just haven't got around to it…"

"Well, I mean, I'm sure it isn't exactly helping your school work," sighs Kaylee, shaking her head, "I mean, that could be worse than staying up all night. Not really being able to read the material…"

"There you go, you should talk to someone. I mean really what's the worst that could happen?" Nicholas says to Taylor. "You get reading glasses, it could be a lot worse. Then you can stop saying you can't read anything and enjoy the letters again. Anyway I'm gonna head inside and take a shower and stuff before it's too late. You two have a good night." He says pushing himself up, giving both Taylor and Kaylee a squeeze on the shoulder before heading in.

"I know," says Taylor, flatly. "I just don't know who to talk to, really, or what to say, and I don't want to draw attention to myself… it's never been good to draw attention to myself…" The felinoid sighs softly and shrugs. "My eyes just work differently now, though."

Kaylee smiles up at Nick, giving him a wave as he walks off and then turning her gaze towards Taylor, "Still, you should probably tell someone about it. But, I guess people tell me to talk to someone and I haven't, so…"

Taylor nods and says, "I know. I know I should talk to someone… and I really do intend to, but like I said, I don't know who to bring it up to in order to get help. Do I just go to Ms. Frost, or is there some kind of chain of command? I don't know… Everything's so complicated… And… and I'm going to be sixteen in like less than a year. And that's kind of scary…"

"Sixteen? I guess that makes you younger than me… I just turned sixteen…" Kaylee blinks, "Well, a month or two ago. Anyway, why's that so scary?" she props herself back up into a sitting position, legs splayed out in front of her and slightly leaned back. "I don't get it."

"It's scary because, well, I'm supposed to decide on things by the time I'm sixteen. I mean, I don't have to, but I'm supposed to… I can't go forever, taking drugs that keep me from /ever/ hitting puberty. I'll look like a little kid forever," says Taylor, frowning.

"Wait, what?" Kaylee blinks, "What kinda choice? I mean, I know you said before. About not really being either. It's got something to do with that maybe?" she wonders, looking pretty confused. "I wonder…" she trails off. "Maybe I should talk to someone…"

"Yeah, it's about that. I'm supposed to get some kind of hormone treatment… but… but I don't know what kind," says Taylor, grimacing at that, "I don't want to have to decide on that. It's too fucking terrifying. I'm not like you. You at least have your mind halfass made up. Me, I dunno, I have no idea."

Kaylee pokes at the ground with a random stick she seems to have found, digging it in until it sticks straight up. "Yeah, but… it doesn't… completely solve anything," she shrugs a little, "Well, I don't know. You have to decide whether to be a boy or a girl? Why not ask Dashenka what she thinks? I mean," he ponders. "Though, I guess only you can really decide. I can't. I don't… I dunno. I mean, you seem kinda like a girl to me, a lot of the time, but… maybe that's just 'cause I'm me, you know?"

"Do I? I dunno if I feel like I'm a girl most of the time. I just like not being restricted by any of that shit and kind of just living by my own terms," says Taylor, leaning back and staring up at the sky. "I think Dashenka thinks of me as a girl, too. But yeah, I can't let her make decisions like that for me, and she finds it all pretty confusing anyways…"

"Well, I dunno what you feel like most the time! I mean, I dunno. You helped me pick out my first girl outfit. That's not something a boy could have done, probably. But," Kaylee pauses, "I dunno. That doesn't mean anything. I guess. I mean, what does it mean to… be one or the other, anyway? How do you quantify whether you're just a girly boy or a… boyly… girl? For me it's just a feeling. It's not something I can explain. It'd be like if I asked Nick howcome he is okay being who he is. He'd look at me like I'm crazy."

"I don't think that's unique to girls, picking out outfits like that. I mean, I just know fashion and stuff, and I've dressed both male and female, so I kind of know the ins and outs of either," says Taylor, shrugging. "I don't even know what I'd look like after inducing puberty… like, ocelots, I can't tell the difference between males and females."

"But, you're not an ocelot, you're a human. You're just a fuzzy human. You'd have boobs and hips and stuff and look like a girl probably, if you were a girl, or just … you know. Be bigger and stronger if you were a guy, I guess," Cale murmurs, "Though, that never really worked out for me. I guess I'm okay with that, though."

"Yeah, I imagine that you would be okay with that. And… I dunno, I'm expecting a growth spurt at any time now. My parents are both pretty tall, I imagine I'm going to shoot up like a cornstalk soon enough," says Taylor, "But I don't know if boobs and hips and shit would suit me, or if I'd hate it, but same with being like… barrel chested and strong or whatever."

"Well, chances are you wouldn't have like copious amounts of either, but I don't know how that whole thing works," Kaylee sighs, "I've been thinking about that a lot, though… I guess I've always been pretty small and I'm okay with that. I don't /want/ to grow a whole bunch more, though. I hope that doesn't happen. It's like my body is always just doing things I don't want it to anyway," she chews on her lip.

Taylor sighs and stares up at the sky. "I feel like I have to do it for other people. Because everyone else is confused about me, and I'm a lot less confused. I'm okay with how things are right now… but I'm not supposed to be? Dashenka seemed kind of confused what to even call me. Like… like maybe I make her uncomfortable. It was the same way with Tim. But I don't want to fuck myself over! I still want to be happy with who I am." The ocelot student glances over towards Cale and then back up. "Whatever, I guess. I'll figure something out. I'm weird and fucked up, that's not going to change, I'll figure something out. I wish I was born normal, though."

"Well," Kaylee pauses, "If you're okay with how you are, then why bother even changing? That's stupid, to change just because someone else wants you to. Even if it's a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I mean, Dash may be confused, but, she likes you how you are enough to already be going out with you, right?" she shrugs, "You're fine how you are, to me. And, I guess. But what if you were born 'normal' like me, and you hated it? That wouldn't be so great either."

Taylor rubs their face and says, "I don't know, because I'm /supposed/ to change, I'm supposed to choose! And that's just it, I don't want to choose and then hate it! That'd be the worst, and you can blame nature, I'd have nobody to blame but /myself/." The ocelot throws up their arms and then says, "I think I'm going to go to the rec room. I want to like, watch a show or something…"

"Hrm…" Kaylee murmurs, slowly picking herself up off the ground, "Yeah, well, don't do what people think you are supposed to do! I'm /supposed/ to be off chasing girls and… I dunno. Playing football or something. Instead…" she sighs, "Sorry," she mumbles an apology. "I didn't mean to get pissy about it…"

Taylor raises a brow slightly and then waves a hand, "No, don't worry about it. I just want to get my mind off of things… Come on." The ocelot hops up to their feet and then gestures for Kaylee to come along.

"Okay!" Kaylee looks a bit happy, trotting a long after Taylor into the rec room. To watch /shows./ Who knows what kind.

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License