2010-12-01: Judgment


Hosea_icon.jpg Robin_icon.jpg

Summary: Robin and Hosea talk about their pasts, and fears of judgment.

Date: Wednesday, December 1, 2010. 4:50pm

Log Title: Judgment

Rating: PG-13. Note: Very heavy religious content.

Xavier Mansion - Subbasement

The subbasement is a long hallway ending with a circular door at the end with an X over the doors. In the middle of the hallway two hallways branch off across from each other. The left hallway leads to two large doors that open up into the Danger Room. To the right they lead to where the shuttle is that leads to the Blackbird. There is quite a bit of security down here and a majority of the rooms require authorization to enter.

Wednesday afternoon. The Hellions practice is just getting finished, and it was a grueling ones. Somedays things go smoothly and everything clicks together. But in some sessions, the powersets that would make it go easily just aren't present. Today was one of those days.
Hosea generally keeps to himself when he's not in practice or in class. It's not necessarily that he doesn't want to be around people, though. He's friendly, sometimes to an abnoxious degree. He is willing to engage people, and he rarely has a negative word to be said. Still, most of the time he has trouble relating to teenagers in America. He is much more sober-minded, and in many ways is more of an adult than most college students. The large Nigerian has come to accept this state, though he never turns away a friendly face that wants to talk to him.
The African steps out of the hallway from the Danger Room, face still moist with sweat. He hasn't enjoyed today's session. It involved violence, and it is clear that he strongly protests violence, even in a fantasy setting. All the same, he proves to be a much more competent fighter than most of the students at the school. He wipes his face with a towel with the X logo on it, rather physically spent after such a hard workout.

Where Hosea is a skilled fighter, Robin is not. She's good at using her powers, though, which are getting stronger, and she's intelligent when it comes to her Danger Room approaches. As she exits the room, she removes the strap from her glasses so that they look more normal and ruffles her own hair slightly. "Hey, Hosea, you did really good in there." While she might not be the greatest at combat scenarios, she does like to offer encouragement to her squad mates, if only to feel like she's a worthwhile part of the team. Walking almost on her heel comes Blank.

Hosea stops and turns to wait for Robin. "Ah," he says, his tired face instantly replaced with a bright smile. "It is vedy kind of you to say dat. You ah vedy smart in dere, you know. It is good dat we have you." He takes in a deep breath through his nose, and looks back. "It is not good dat dey make us in situations to fight, I still think. Fighting is not a good thing." He pulls one arm in front of the other, drying the sweat off the scar rittled bicep.
"Your parents must be vedy proud though," he says, "To have a daughter who is so vedy good at thinking. You have good grades, yes?" he says. "It is a blessing to be smart."

"Oh, umm, my parents don't really like to talk to me, but I'm sure they'd think it's nice that I'm getting good grades," says Robin, biting her bottom lip slightly and seeming slightly unconvinced, before she smiles and says, "But I'm glad you think I'm smart, and yeah, I do get pretty good grades." 'Pretty good' meaning she's a straight A student. "And I guess they just know we'll encounter violence. I think they're just trying to prepare us for the inevitable." She reaches under her painted lens to scratch for a moment.

"America," Hosea says, "It is vedy peaceful heah. I go for months, and do not see anyone die. It is amazing," his face beams at the thought, and he throws the towel around his shoulders. "You have been vedy blessed to live heah. I am sorry dat your parents do not talk to you. It would be vedy difficult for me to be in dat position."

"Yeah… I love my parents, even if I doubt that it's mutual," says Robin, nodding her head. She looks at Hosea for a couple moments and says, "But my problems're kind of inconsequential. I'm glad that you're in a place now that death is not so normal, Hosea, and I'm glad you're around. You're a good teammate."

The African crosses his arms as he continues his pace down the hall. "Thank you, and you are a vedy good teammate as well!" He motions with his hands a little elaborately as he unfolds them. Hosea then frowns, studying Robin. "I hope dat it is mutual," he tells her, "but if not, you have a Father in Heaven who loves you, do not forget dat," he says as encouragement. His religious mindset infiltrates every level of who he is, and when he encourages, hearing about God is something to set your watch by.

For a moment, Robin seems even more uncomfortable at the comforting words, her arms wrapping around herself defensively, but she nods and says, "Thanks." Thanks for the thought, perhaps, if only to make the single word genuine. "And, well, I hope they still love me, but we disagree on a few things." There is an edge to her voice, as if to say, 'I love them, but I'm still rather cross with them'.

"You are angry?" Hosea asks, arching his brow. "May I ask what has made you angry with dem?" Very few on this side of the Atlantic have seen an angry Hosea. "Have dey acted unkindly to you?" he asks. He is not unfamiliar with parental neglect, even if it has not been by his own. His concern is genuine though. He may have many dark stories of his own, but he generally is more interested in helping other people with their own demons.

Shaking her head slightly, "No, not angry, just… frustrated, I guess. I mean, my dad sometimes hit me, and I said something that made him really mad, but I didn't know it would make him mad, so he really beat me good." She gestures to her obscured eye and then shrugs, "I dunno. I've made choices, and maybe they're not proud of me, but I kind've wish we could have a phone conversation that didn't end with me crying." She bites her bottom lip again, moving her teeth back and forth slowly as she considers, "But it's not really a big deal."

"Oh, dat is not a good thing!" Hosea exclaims. "It wounds my heart to heah dat. It sounds bettah for you than for me dat you are heah," he assesses. "To be rejected by your father?" He shakes his head at the thought. "It is unthinkable. I do not know what I would have done if my father had not loved me. I can not think of a worse thing." He looks as if he wants to give the small girl a hug, but he has learned that in America, it is not always considered appropriate to engage in as much physical contact.

"I brought it upon myself, really, but still… I'm glad I said what I did, and I'm glad I'm here," says Robin, nodding her head once and pushing her glasses up her nose. "I'm not sure if I'm more upset at my dad for hitting me, though, or at my mom for not saying a word." She shakes her head lightly at this, "But like I said, kind've brought it on myself for being such a weird kid."

"No." Hosea answers, raising a long thin dark finger. "You did not bring it on yourself," he tells her. "To be weird, hah, many people think I am weird. And not just heah, eithah!" He laughs out loud. "In Africa, many people say I must be crazy to live and not fight. In Africa it is vedy different. But see, weird is not alway bad. I am still heah." The African points determinedly back at Robin. "You. You have been made beautifully, and do not let people tell you, 'hah, you are weird.'"

Robin shifts her shoulders uncomfortably at being told that she's been made beautifully. She rubs the sleeve of her squad uniform lightly and says, "Well, I don't think it's weird not to like fighting. I'm not a huge fan of it. I don't like getting hurt, and I don't like hurting people." She seems to contemplate this for a moment before nodding, "But I dunno. Like, I was a super weird kid. I mean, um, from certain perspectives I still am." Blank seems to mimic Robin's feelings of uneasiness, but lags behind the two mutants.

"Does it bother you dat I say this?" the African asks. "It is not my intent to upset you." He has noticed the body language. Admittedly, the African does not have a point of reference to understand the discomfort. "In Africa, where people come to attack you and take things from you and kill you, to say you will not fight, it is considered vedy strange," he clarifies.

"Well, when I was on the street, people took stuff from me all the time, and I never fought back. It wouldn't help anyone," says Robin, biting her lip lightly and then considering the original question, only having spoken to stall. "And, no, I mean. It's just, I'm thinking of telling you something about myself for context, but I'm kind've scared that you'll judge me, so I dunno. I'm just talking to myself in my head."

Hosea arches his brow. "Hm. Dat is a good thing to be afraid of," he tells her. "But heah. I will tell you something about myself, maybe." As the Nigerian speaks, he raises a finger to tap the side of his head. "If you think dat it must be worse than what I tell you, den you may keep it to yourself. But now I ask, do you think you may judge me if I tell you da thing dat I am ashamed of?" He's rather open, really, but he pits her own fear back to herself so that she can be in the opportunity to do the judging rather than receive it. Hosea truly does not look as concerned when he asks the question of Robin.

Robin considers the question. Yeah, she knows what she's supposed to say, but it deserves some honest consideration. "Honestly? Maybe a little, depending on what it was. I try not to judge, though, but it's just trying. I'd try to understand, at least." The girl glances back to Blank, who usually gives her away when she's being dishonest, which, at the moment at least, she is not. "But I mean, I know you seem like a really nice guy, Hosea, and I get along with you, but I've known nice guys I didn't get along with after I've told 'em."

"I have known nice girls who did not like me after I told dem my story as well," Hosea confides, a certain twinkle in his eye. "Nigeria," he starts, "It is a vedy different country." He paints the picture. "For many generations, tribes have fought and killed each other to gain strength and power. My father, he was changed by Y'shua. He was taught not to fight. A happy story so far, yes?" he asks with a very cheery smile, pausing before he continues. His hands are rather active, as if he were telling the story around a campfire.

Blank rubs her hands together lightly, almost nervously as the story goes on, but Robin tries not to fidget, and only listens to Hosea, "I suppose, yeah, it's sounding pretty okay so far." She tilts her head slightly and, as Blank projects, is kind of nervous for how the tale may progress. She genuinely does not want to be in a position where she's judging her teammate. She nods once more, though, to signal that it's fine to continue.

Hosea nods, but his smile fades. "A man named Nero. He is a vedy wicked man, he send soldiers to attack my village. Dey kill da men and carry off da women for deir wives. Dey take me and my brothers to be soldiers like dem. You see me fight in da Danger Room?" he asks, indicating behind Robin where the Danger Room lies. "I learn it dere. I learn to kill, and to take what is not mine. I kill many men. I tell myself, 'It is da way things are, my father, he did not know this, and so he died,' but I know in my heart," he pounds his chest. "It is wrong." The story seems to cease to only be a tale for him as he takes a deep breath in.
"Many of dese men, dey cannot defend themselves. I do not care. I do what Nero says, and I kill dem anyway. Dey wives and chlidren, da same dat happen to my family." It truly is not a happy story. "I live dis way until two years ago," he says. "I learn again of Y'shua from a man named Avraham. God change my heart. But still, I carry dis wit me. I can not undo what has been done. I do not have a place to judge anyone, Robin." Hosea doesn't know if the story may be too much for her, but it's out now, and a little hard to untell.

Robin listens and she nods as Hosea finishes the story, rubbing her forehead lightly. "I'm sorry Nero manipulated you like that. I mean, yeah, it was wrong that you killed defenseless people…" Her expressions softens some, "It's something you can't change. But you've changed, and you're remorseful. At this point, that's all you can do, right?" She scratches her head lightly as she finishes. "Again, I'm glad you're here now."

"Hah," Hosea answers quietly, a slow return of his normal demeanor starts to roll, though more subdued. "No, I can live to show mercy to others," he says. "I can know what it is to be a great evil, and to know forgiveness. If God can forgive me, He must truly be be good." He nods back to Robin. "Do you still fear dat I will judge you?" he asks, arching his brow.

"Yeah, I do, but I think you don't want to," says Robin, and apparently that's enough for her to continue. She takes a single deep breath and then says, "I was born a boy. I had a lot of brothers, and my parents wanted me to be like them. But I wasn't, I was like…" Both Blank and Robin simultaneously gesture their hands about wildly as the girl tried to explain, before directing the motion to herself "Like me. They didn't care if I was smart, just wanted me to be like the other boys. But I wasn't."

Robin sighs softly before continuing, "When I had put on my little sister's dress, that was the first time that my dad beat me. Any other time I did anything 'girly', he gave me reminders, until I just stopped doing things I liked. I stayed in my room, did homework, read textbooks. I was smart to begin with, but being alone made me gifted. I woulda been valedictorian, no problem. But I always got beat up and told I was going to hell, 'cause I was too girly, too gay. And when I told my mom and dad that I really did want to be a girl…" She removes her glasses and gestures towards her dead eye and the scarring surrounding it. "He hit me again. I ran away."

While there is no look of judgment that comes from Hosea, he listens carefully, and while he rests his elbow in one hand, he rests his chin in the other, slowly rubbing his jaw. He doesn't say anything for a long time, but his eyes drift momentarily over the girl's frame. "I…do not understand." Sex changes are completely alien to him in any form. Thus, the return look is more puzzled than judgmental.

"Umm," says Robin, chewing on her lip lightly, "I know you're from a different culture. It's even hard to explain here, I mean, I used to be a boy. But I used to dress up as a girl, and take drugs to make me more like a girl, I really wanted to be a girl, grow up to be a woman, get married, maybe kids. I dunno. So now I'm a girl. But people… they didn't like that I liked that. They told me that God hated me for it, that I'd go to hell, so it's scary to talk about." She puts her glasses back on, letting the painted lens obscure her eye now.

While he still doesn't understand, it doesn't continue to stop the Nigerian from proceeding. "I do not know how dat would be possible," he says. "But I am a simple man." His brow is knit as he looks at an undefined point for a moment, as if selecting his words carefully. After a moment, he looks back at Robin. "God hates all dat is evil," he says measuredly. "But he loves dat which he has created. "He does not hate you for da things you feel. He loves you for He made you, and desires for you to know Him. Just as He loved me and showed me mercy, though I was a great killer, so He does with you. Those who would say dat God hates you shall find themselves in God's judgment one day if dey refuse to listen to His voice. God is da one to judge."

"Well, it could be done with surgery, for some people, to get their parts put in ways that they're comfortable with," explains Robin, "But it was my sister's mutant powers that changed me. She's a reality warper." She sighs and shakes her head as she contemplates the part after, "Then I just don't know how God feels about me. He destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, there's things in the bible about how homosexuality is wrong, even about how dressing up as a girl when you're a boy is wrong. So… where does that leave me? I felt so much pain. And I know, Job suffered through trials, and had to overcome them to show his strength of faith." She almost digs her nails into her arm, and shakes her head, "And someone might say overcoming my feelings and pain is my trial to overcome, that I should be a man for God. Just like my father wanted me to be a man for him."
Softly, Robin says, "For being in this way an unrepentant sinner who just doesn't want to hurt, and just finally wants to feel at home with herself, will my eye by struck by my Heavenly Father as I'm cast into hell?"

Hosea's look of puzzlement is gone now, though he doesn't grasp the details, they are out of his attention completely. "It is often dat we see God da way we see our earthly fathers," he tells Robin. "Because God is our heavenly Father, he has made earthly fathers to teach us about our place with Him." He lets his foot come one step to the side. "Our human fathers, though, are not God, and dey are broken just as us, yes?" He offers a gentle smile. "But God is not broken. God does hate sin, dis is true." He doesn't try to hide it. "He desires us to be holy, and dis is best."
"Those who will be sent to hell may have many different sins, but dere is one sin which sends people to hell, and one only. God sent his Son, Y'shua, to take all da punishment for sin dat we do. For murder, sexual immorality, thieves, and all others. If we take dat punishment, we must be in hell forever. Dat is a scary thing, yes. But praise be to God, for He has made a way to rescue us. Y'shua came, and da Bible tells us dat he became our evil, and God killed him to take da punishment for us, though we do not deserve it. But he did not stay dead, no. He came back! All people who follow Him know dat he desires for us to say 'yes yes, you are master!' and to believe dat He forgives those who come to him. It is not easy, and to say Y'shua will be your master means to surrender everything you are to Him…" the African gives a knowing smile. "But you find dat as you give, you do not need those things anymore, because you have something bettah."

"I prayed to God a lot when I was a kid. I read the Bible. I was a good Christian, I asked God to take away my pain, to forgive me my immoral thoughts, to make me into the man He wanted me to be. I went to my youth group," says Robin, shaking her head and tilting up her glasses to rub her eyes, "But I felt empty. I didn't feel filled with joy or hope. I felt like God didn't listen, or worse, listened but did not care. I felt so alone I wanted to die. And so empty and alone, there was not much else to do but try and relieve my suffering. I know God filled you up, and I'm glad for you Hosea, I really am. But when I pray to an echo, I'm not going to just let myself hurt. I'm a girl. It's part of who I am. And I'm not going to give myself up to an echo, not anymore."

Hosea's eyes grow sad as he listens to Robin's response. "God cares for you, Robin. He is not silent. I too felt as you do now." He is no counselor, he has no fancy training, only the testimony of his own life. "But do not allow what you feel ashamed of, nor what you feel relieved by to get in da way of seeking God. For so long I desired nothing more than to take Nero's life. It was my every waking thought. Do you know? I would be justified to do it. I had good cause, and he would deserve his punishment." The curly head of hair sways back and then forth. "But God took dat from me. Sometimes when I am weak, I still want it back, but now I know dat dis is something dat tries to hide me from God, and by focusing and thinking on it, I lose sight of what He wants for me. It is I who am deaf, not He who does not speak. God is not an echo. Continue to seek Him, and you will find da great treasures of heaven."

"I'm happier now than I was, and I may grow happier yet. I'm glad God filled you up and took away your weaknesses. I don't even think of how much it hurt back then anymore, except for these conversations. I'm done chasing ghosts, I'm ready to just live," says Robin, adjusting her glasses slightly and giving a small smile to Hosea. "Thank you for caring about me enough to try and convince me, though. I'll see you at next practice, but I should go take a shower."

Hosea nods slowly. He cannot claim contentment with her response, but he cannot and would not force her. "I shall be heah at any time you need me," he says. "And thank you for dis time we spent together, I hope we shall have more."

Robin just gives a small nod and wave, before she turns and quickens her pace, the girl's puppet following close behind.

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