2009-11-03: Needing Advice


Kaden_icon.jpg Xane_icon.jpg

Summary: Kaden comes to Xane for some Advice on his future.

Date: November 3, 2009

Log Title Needing Advice

Rating: PG

NYC - Central Park

Central Park is a large public park in upper Manhattan, largest areas of green with people reading, having a picnic, or playing Frisbee. Walking paths can be found all around the park. In-between the large area's of grass, the park is shadier with many trees. A large road circles the park where joggers, bicyclists, and inline skaters are commonly found.

After asking Xane to go for a walk with him, Kaden led the other spirit out of the Marc and to Central Park. Most of the way over he was quiet, not saying much. Now that the two are alone in the park, Kaden finally speaks up. "Thanks for coming out with me Xane, I just need to talk to someone, like an older brother I guess." He's never had any siblings but he figures Xane's the best person to go to for some advice or just to get some things off his chest.

Xane of course obliged Kaden with his request, bundling up in a jacket before going out. "No problem, didn't want to bring it up in front of the others, huh?" He asks the fire spirit, his eyes look to Kaden. "Anyway, what's up?" Xane had taken the day off from the restaurant tonight, so this is what he wanted to do today.

Kaden shrugs not having a problem with a cold since he's figured out how to produce heat to keep himself warm. "Yeah kinda, I love Drew but he's my age and I know what he'd say to me and with Keith, I love him too but he's not exactly the best guy to talk to when something is bugging you." Kaden explains before finding a bench to sit down. "Don't get me wrong, I love you too Xane, that's why I kinda dragged you out. It's just, lately, I've been feeling distant, like I just want to wander off somewhere and try to see if I can make it on my own. Just…get away."

Xane gives a little bit of a grimmace, he himself moved out as soon as he could. "Like what? Get your own place?" Xane does like where they live, but he can't help but feel that he's not contributing much. "But, you mean leave Drew?" He asks, not quite sure what Kaden really means.

"No, like just wander off and see where I go. Like, explore or something. Find out if I can be me without leaning on anyone." Kaden says as he knows he's not emotionally strong. "I know I gotta finish my GED first before anything even if I hate classes." Maybe that's part of why he's just felt uneasy. "I don't want to leave Drew but I don't know if I've become too close. To him, to all of you."

"Well, I never told you, or any of the others, but I did just that when I was barely older than yourself." Xane offers to the younger spirit. "You gotta do what you gotta do. And maybe you'll lern something about yourself n the interim. But what do you mean too close?" He asks.

"What was that like?" Kaden asks curiously not knowing that about Xane but he realizes he doesn't know as much asbout him as he would like. "Too close, like…I know Drew and Keith will think I'm silly for asking but, sometimes I still feel like I don't deserve to be happy, to have a family, people who love me."

Looking to Kaden Xane gives a laugh. "Well, it was both the scariest and most fun moments of my life. Years just living in Europe and having fun. Not knowing where your next meal was gonna come from, but things always turned out right. Of course, it also helped that I had some connections in Europe." Looking right back at Kaden Xane gives a tiny moan. "That is not true, but it shouldn't also make you leave just for that reason. But to get to know yourself, I'd be a hyocrite if I said it's not a possibly worthwhile endeavor."

"But I've killed people Xane…it…it still weights on me and somes I feel guilty about it." Kaden admits folding his hands in his lap and looks down. "Maybe I should just leave after I get my GED just to try to clear my head and do like you said, it might be a worthwhile endeavor."

"It will most likely weigh on you, but that does not mean that you do not deserve love. Either way, I'm not gonna push it on you. But if you do leave on your own, don't do it to punish yourself, do it to test yourself, do it to grow." Xane says, taking a seat next to Kaden.

Kaden leans against Xane and nods. "I'm sorry I'm so…fucked in the head." Kaden says but at least he's able to talk about his feelings now rather than bottling them up and exploding. He's gotten a bit of that chip off his shoulder. "I just hope Drew understands, it's not that I don't need you guys or want to be with you guys I just…I need to learn how to accept me."

"You don't need to be sorry, man." Xane offers. "But you do need to learn how to accept yourself, it's real important. Well, at least it was with me." He offers, overall, he's not overtly opposed to the idea.

Since Kaden is leaning a bit on Xane, Xane would be able to feel a bit of the heat that Kaden is emitting to stay comfortable. "I really do care a lot about you guys but once I'm not with any of you and on my own, I shell up, like when I first met you and Drew and Keith and Dmitri. I get into so many fights and can't control my temper, it worries me. I need to do something than just mope even if I can't get rid of the guilt."

"Well, being forced to tak with others is sure gonna make you get out of your shell… or the adverse." He offers, though the warmth does ease him a little. "I dunno how to improve on your temper, or most of the other questions, I was an even-keeled person growing up." Xane's actually struggling to answer some of the questions Kaden's asking, nd he's a bit sadened that he is struggling.

Kaden isn't necessiarily looking for answers but more someone to be a sounding board against, someone stable. "I didn't exactly have a normal upbringing, my mother was probably a slut who got knocked up and when I was six she decided she didn't want me. It didn't get better until I met Drew, than the rest of you guys. But..what if she didn't want me cause I was a brat of a kid like I can be now?" He vocalizes a fear that's sat with him for a while.

Xane hmms for a second. "Did you ever consider that she gave you up because she couldn't support you herself? You cannot always think the worst in people, even though you've known almost nothing but." He's hoping some wise words are working on Kaden.

"She didn't, she threw me in that home." Kaden spits out a bit more bitterly than he intended. "I might be able to try to think better of people I don't know, but I'll always think the worst of her." He takes a deep breath and lets out a frustrated sigh. "So…um…I was thinking about just taking a bus out of New York and wander around the US so see what I can learn."

"That approach will be better than what I have, being in the US, it'll be easier to get back home if you decide to come back fast." Xane says, he himself bckpacked around most the time. "Either way, I'll help set you up. If you need it, of course."

Now that the subject of his mother is dropped, Kaden happily forgets he mentioned her. "I have to finish my GED first, which should be in a couple of months. I just kinda wanna see woods you know?" He's never really been outside of a city environment except for when the spirits went on vacation together to that island. "Thanks Xane, I could use the help since I wouldn't know what to bring."

"Don't worry about it. You know I'll help you out." The chef reaches an arm around Kaden and gives Kaden a hug. Xane is actually feeling a bit more attached to Kaden after all the time together, even if Xane himself is still something of a mystery to the others.

Kaden puts his arm back around Xane and actually smiles. "Thanks, it means a lot to me that you're willing to help out. So you really think that just getting out and doing my own thing for a month or two sounds like it could be fun. Maybe just somehow get some money and a back pack. I just have to figure out how to tell Drew." He looks up at Xane and smiles still. "I do love you Xane. I'm glad we got over our rocky start."

"I'm glad too. You'd need a backpack, money, clothes. That's about it, and some toiletries." Xane says, looking up at the sky and remembering the experiences he had just backpacking. "You'll find a way to tell him. Best thing for him though is to not go along with you. It has to be just you."

"I know it has to be me, I have to learn to stand on my own as much as I love you guys. I have to make myself stronger for you guys." Kaden says sounding set in my decision. "He'll be fine without me for a month or two, he's stronger than me." But what's unsaid is if Kaden will be fine without him.

"I'm sure you'll be fine. But eitrher way, it's a couple montths off. Plenty of time to get your affairs in order." Xane smiles, he likes tha fact Kaden wants to get along by himself.

Kaden stands up and is definately in a better mood than when they first came out to the park. "Thanks, and I know. Maybe you'll have to mark off a couple of good resturants in key spots around the country so I can try to get one, think of you on my trip." He says reaching for Xane's hand to pull him up so they can head back together. "Right now, lets keep this between us. I'll tell Drew, Keith and Dmitri when I'm ready to let them know."

"I'd never tell them if they beat it out of me with blunt objects." Xane offers up, giving Kaden a smile as he starts to walk back the The Marc. "Hell, I'll even give you some of my sight seeing notes from my culinary school days."

Kaden laughs and keeps a hold of Xane's hand, if he lets him. "Thanks Xane, you're great." He says as he heads back to The Marc with Xane. "Maybe I can work some homemade dinner out of you once we get back." He says definately in a brighter mood.

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